Putin’s threats to unleash Armageddon don’t scare me, because nuclear war is actually pretty easy to survive. Here I, Wayne Hayes, pub regular and twat, explain how.
Start with a positive mental attitude
The wimps sleep and die only when their town is blasted to smithereens by a missile. Instead keep an optimistic outlook as the outcome settles on your home. I will eat my favorite meal every day – pizza – to keep up my buoyant positivity until the radiation sickness wears off. I believe Domino’s will be open.
Build a bunker
Some rich American tech guys have expensive state-of-the-art bunkers hidden in the desert, but it’s easy enough to build one in your back garden. I have already started digging mine. I have told the wife that the hole is for a fish-pond, for when I brought up the idea before she told me ** Stop being a king fool, and locked the spade in the shed.
When the missiles hit, the first thing everyone wants to do is run to the Lidl and start looting, so it’s best to prepare your food supply now. My kids cried when I traded their trampolines for a pile of tins covered in tarpaulin, but they’ll thank me when their peers are forced to eat their own guinea pigs.
Set up a new society
Governance will obviously fall apart, so some strong person will have to step up and start leading, and that person will be me. Everyone would call me Big King Wayne and I would rule our cul-de-sac. I don’t care if a gang of goons come and try to take away my food and women. I’ve seen all the Mad Max movies so I’ll just put spikes on my Fiat Punto.
Make the most of the long nuclear winter
Winter is cozy, right? You make it through wearing lots of jumpers and Christmas happens too. A nuclear winter would be about the same, I think. Except when the neighbors try to tear us down and cannibalize us, or we slowly starve to death. The wife says she feels better than her usual Christmas with me, so we’re onto a winner.